LYRA VALE

2011-12-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

2011-12-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

2011-12-18T21:27:00.000-08:00

2011-12-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

2011-12-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

2011-12-02T21:14:00.000-08:00

2011-11-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

2011-09-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

2011-07-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

I would wear these if I could....Part 7

2011-06-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

I would wear these if I could....Part 6

2011-02-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

I'm, for sure, obsessed with shoes. I think it must be because I can't wear anything...I have the world's most sensitive feet. I mean EVERYTHING hurts my feet. I cannot put on any shoe for more than a few hours...and that is only if there isn't a lot of walking involved. To be honest, even Uggs and ballet flats hurt my feet...they don't allow the full range of motion that you get when you're barefoot.

My mother blames it on the fact that I'm constantly barefoot, actually. She says that wearing shoes changes your feet...toughens you up, so to speak. You have to earn your callouses, I suppose. But I'd rather have callous-free, bunion-free, corn-free, red-pinkie-toe-free feet...thank you very much.

Still....I love to look at shoes online. As works of art, there is definitely a lot to admire. This is the 6th part to my "shoe" series. For the rest of the posts, click HERE.

Solar Plexus Chakra

2011-01-30T12:29:00.000-08:00

My whole life I've been uncomfortable wearing a belt or high wasted pants/skirts. I was so happy when hip-huggers became popular, I'd been wearing my pants/skirts that way for years. My mom used to always yell at me to pull them up. I don't know how to explain the discomfort...but it's something akin to a panic attack or anxiety. It feels very claustrophobic.

It happens whenever something is touching or resting on this particular spot right under my ribs and right above my belly button. I never thought much of it, except to avoid putting pressure on it. Oh, and forget about corsets or corseted clothing. But it never really effected my life, and since it isn't an actual pain, I never thought it was a health issue.

Recently my mom mentioned that my 5 year old niece has the same sensitivity in the same area. That's when it occurred to me that maybe it might really be more than just me being a weirdo. So, of course, I Googled it.

Based on anatomy charts, the sensitive area is somewhere below my diaphragm, possibly in front of the pancreas, and in a general area called the solar plexus. This is, coincidentally, also a chakra point.

I'm pretty sure it isn't an organ issue, since the discomfort feels pretty superficial. It only bothers me when something touches the very outermost part of this area. It doesn't hurt or feel painful in the usual sense of those words. It's just uncomfortable, and that's the only way I can explain it. Imagine if someone you didn't like were to touch you in a too familiar way. That's how uncomfortable it makes me.

My gut instinct is that this is not a physical thing. In fact, my internet search didn't bring up any medical red flags. But psychologically, I feel like it's my body's way of drawing my attention to something. I just don't know what.

In any case, I'm very interested to know if anyone else has ever experienced this. I'm going to research it some more...but so far the chakra info seems to be pretty spot on. I just don't know how much I buy into the chakra theories. I guess it's worth a try to try to balance this specific chakra. Maybe if I meditate on it, the real reason for my discomfort will be drawn to the surface.

I'm going to go and see if I find anything else...and I'll report on it if I do. Oh, and by the way, I really hope this isn't just another one of those "sunday" posts. UGH.

I'm really having a hankering to buy a green jade necklace...

2011-01-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

obviously not a real one...they're like $3,000....but I can't find a decent fake one either. I think I'll have to go to Michael's and just make one.

Used Books

2011-01-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever got a book from the library, or a thrift store?

Those are my favorite books ever. It's as if you're meeting a person. They have that feeling of history and adventure, as though they've lived a life I could never unravel or understand. They've been places, lived in people's homes, in their hands, in their minds and hearts.

Some books seem well-loved, some are well-used (all dog-eared and highlighted and underlined). Some are pristine, with still-crackling pages, and some are abused, with torn, stained or missing pages (like war veterans with missing limbs).

Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll find a real treasure: an old receipt, a post-it, a forgotten scrap of paper, securely tucked away in the greedy pages. These are little secret windows into a stranger's personal thoughts. Secrets are what I love best. Even unintentional, useless tidbits of information...belonging to people I will never know. But I always return them to the book, like returning the Ring of Mordor to the desperate hands of Gollum. It seems that books are loyal guardians, keepers of secret thoughts (both significant and insignificant).

No matter, there will always be another book, another little universe. I get so overwhelmed by a good book. I can't explain it. A book is a portal, not only to another time or place, but also straight into someone else's head. Autobiographies are my favorite, but I think even fiction is somewhat autobiographical. No matter what the subject, a good book is one that makes me feel an instant recognition, a connection with the author. When I meet a great character in a novel, I feel as if I've met a great friend. It's like having an extended conversation with a "celebrity", or a "personality"--a Very Important Person, indeed.

In this way, I feel less alone and misunderstood in the world, because I think "now here is another human being who gets it!" (I often add "…unlike all the morons in real life that don't get it!", as if the auther is from some other magical planet far away from Earth.)

But what I love best, is the bonus treat you get with a used book. You see, the magic of a used book is when you read something that somehow moves you. Something that touches you and really hits you in the gut. And as you reach for a highlighter, or to dog-ear the page…anything to mark this great discovery…you suddenly see that someone has already done it for you! Well, maybe not for YOU, but certainly it's more than a coincidence that someone, somewhere, somehow got "it" too!

That's the kind of thing that just KILLS me! To think, someone thought "it", someone wrote "it", someone read "it" and approved "it", someone published "it", someone put "it" in their store and sold "it", someone bought "it", read "it", got "it", marked "it", and sent "it" back out to the universe…and the universe brought "it" to ME! There's got to be something magical and miraculous about all that, right?

The thing is, maybe I spend a little too much time voluntarily isolating myself from the world. Maybe I enjoy my little solitary universe too much. But sometimes, something as small as a used book, an idea, or even a few words…just crashes down on my little bubble, like a tidal wave...and pulls me right out of my shell.

And for just a small, brief, passing moment, I feel less freakish…as if I really do somehow belong in this world too.

I really don't know why I'm so excited about Christmas this year...

2010-12-16T21:03:00.000-08:00

...but I am.

I guess maybe because I'm really happy in my life right now, in general. I'm just "stopping to smell the roses" more and "being in the moment." It's nice for a change.

Anyway, I've made a decision to start appreciating the little things. I've always wanted to be a more positive person, and for the last couple of years I was really faking it. And it seems to be working, because I really feel it now. I think I'll always be a depressive, to some degree. But that's my addiction and it's too easy to let myself fall into that hole.

And it's the truth of life that it really does suck. There's only a handful of good things that make it more bearable, like family, and love, and friendship, and all those moments that add up to make the memories of a lifetime. Otherwise, what's the point of living?

What I need to do is keep myself happy and excited about life, until slowly it won't be such an effort. If I keep on "counting my blessings" and really start appreciating the few good moments...maybe I can make them grow and be bigger and bigger, until the good overshadows the bad...and I can finally be truly happy.

Well, anyway that's the plan for now.

I finally did it...

2010-12-12T18:01:00.000-08:00

...and I'm NEVER going to take it down. It's just going to have to stay up all year.

My sad sad sad Christmas tree

2010-12-11T20:04:00.001-08:00

I really need to get on this...it's just a little hard when you have to BUILD your damn tree...then decorate it...blah blah blah...tis the season to be jolly, right?

Nail tutorial inspired by Jawbreakers candies

2010-12-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

Tacky Me

2010-11-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

Tacky things I love:

uggs

maternity clothes/regency style/empire waists

dresses with pants

paper shoes

glitter

musky perfume

1920s fashions

gothic lolita styles

low-rise jeans

bell-bottoms or boot-cut

motorcycle boots, combat boots, rain boots, go-go boots, stripper boots

custom jewelry

wigs

mary janes

boas

black/purple/dark burgundy lipstick

black nail polish

raccoon eyes

leather pants

string bakinis

boyshorts

scarves

wedges/platform shoes

maxi-dresses

ruffles, bows, pink, feathers, rhinestones

press-on nails

temporary tattoos

henna, mehndi, bhindi, anything India-inspired

self-tanner

ballet flats

bangles

lace/see-through clothes

lingerie, intimates as outerwear

long operal gloves, any kind of gloves

cloches, or giant movie-star hats

gigantic, huge sunglasses

colorful sunglasses

tutus

cigarette holders

LV Speedy

FAUX fur--always and only FAUX

tiaras

wings-fairy, butterfly, angel

tails-bunny preferred

elaborate fans

chopsticks

Juicy Couture hoodies

Totally obnoxious, huge and fluffy slippers, the more ridiculous the better

girl scout cookies

2010-11-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sure lots of people store girl scout cookies in the freezer...like chubby little squirrels storing food for the winter...

This is normal behavior, right?

just a quote I love:

2010-11-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ralph Waldo Ellison

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself.

If you hate someone, make them be a bridesmaid in your wedding

2010-11-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

That's the lesson I'm quickly learning.

Actually though, it should be amended to "if you hate someone, and they're claustrophobic, make them be a bridesmaid in your wedding and have the bridesmaids wear impossibly tight, corseted dresses."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm going crazy trying to order this damn dress. I have to order it from LA and have it sent to San Diego. I found a store that had it in San Diego, so I could try it on and figure out my size. I found the store from hell, in the ghetto of San Diego...and risked flees, crabs, and probably every STD known to mankind to try on the dress.

I tried on the 8 in the store, and while it zipped up, it also made me have a nervous break-down and a panic attack. It's a Bill Levkoff dress, and according to their dumb size chart, 8 should be my perfect size. It AIN'T.

Partly it's my deformed body. But MOSTLY, it the retarded dress. Here's the problem. As you move up the size chart, the waist goes up by barely an inch. But the bust goes up by 2 inches. I'm perfect 35 1/2 up top...which means that to get an extra inch of belly breathing room, I have to move up to a 37 1/2 bust. An inch is not enough, so to get an extra measly little 2 inches in the waist, I have to move up to a 39 1/2 bust.

When I take it in to get altered, they're gonna look at me like I'm a freakin' moron for getting it so huge. Plus, I'm sorry, but I have a pretty average body. I can't imagine this dumb dress fitting ANYBODY. God forbid if someone doesn't have perfcet 36-24-36 proportions.

That's it, I'm going to starve myself to 36-24-36 perfection. ALTHOUGH, looking at the chart, that's still a very weird, top-heavy size 2...so really I don't get it. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

I'm gonna have to stop being friends with my friend. It's the only solution.

The Glass Castle

2010-11-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

I'm reading this amazing book called The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls. I like to read good books at work, because it makes me want to go to work, if only so I can get to read the rest of my book. I go from break to lunch to break, basically getting through it all by looking forward to reading.

This book is the one I'm on right now...and it's really good. I'm a pretty crappy book reviewer, so I won't even try. The gist is that it's a book about a girl with the most fucked up/fascinating parents. I used to watch Dharma and Greg (the TV show) and wish I had free-spirited, bohemian hippie parents. But when you read this book, you realize that it's not so bad having boring old, bougie, square parents.

When I'm reading this book, I go back and forth between thinking the parents are HORRRRID people and thinking how I wish I knew people who were that fascinating in real life. If I knew people like that, I would definitely corner them...the way I do with anyone I find interesting; I'm the girl with a million questions after all.

Anyway, her crazy life so far, is basically the exact opposite of mine. That's another thing I find fascinating. This is why I love books and movies...the fact that you basically get to live a completely different life while you are totally immersed in the story. Sometimes, I don't exactly want to come up for air, or come back to my own life so to speak.

But somehow, I always do. I don't know if my life will ever be as good as a book or a movie. But honestly, I feel like, in my head at least, I've lived about a million different lives.

Whatever. I really HIGHLY recommend this book. It's a pretty easy read too. But there's a lot of little trivia tossed in. Kind of like Nabakov, but you don't need freaking foot notes and annotations to understand the tidbits in Jeannette Walls' writing. It's all just there in plain English.

I can't wait to go to work tomorrow...so I can keep reading, of course! :) God, I'm a nerd. And proud of it!

science fair project--growing wheat grass

2010-10-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

haha, ok no it's not a science fair project. It's actually for my cat. She kept eating the fake flowers in my house, so I decided to grow some wheat grass for her. She does quite like it, but she still eats the fake flowers :/

Anyway, it took about a week to go from this:

to this:

It was actually really easy. I might make a video on how to do it, because when I first looked on youtube, everyone had these long and complicated ways of doing it. But my mom gave me the best way.

She knew of a better way, because we're Persian, and every year on new years we use wheat grass and lentil grass as part of the decorations. You grow a big plate of this and tie a ribbon around it (and girls tie knots in the grass for marriage wishes, but that's pretty lame, in my opinion).

Anyway, I'm trying to force my cat to eat this instead of the plastic flowers, because I'm sure there's some chemical on the plastic flowers that is harmful for her to ingest. Probably why she likes to lick it. Oh well. We all love things best that are bad for us, I guess. Even cats.

Who did this? and when are they gonna come back and clean it up?

2010-10-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

This is what I have to deal with today:

Somewhere underneath all this is a basket of laundry I did...LAST weekend. I probably have to do it all again, because it's had all this shit piled on top of it all week. UGH.

My new year's resolution...starting now...BE NEATER! and more ORGANIZED! and less MESSY! and not a SLOB!!!

But first I'm gonna drink some wine and take a bath. :P yay, love weekends!

dry skin

2010-10-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

Ingredients for natural remedies:

jojoba oil

almond oil

olive oil

sesame seed oil

coconut oil

yogurt

egg yolk

honey

oatmeal

aloe vera

milk

ripe banana

avocado

tea bag-chamomile, peppermint, lavender, green tea

rose water

mayonaise

Lean Pockets

2010-10-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

I LOOOOOOOOVE lean pockets--pepperoni pizza. Not only does it taste good, but it's also the perfect size lunch, pre-packaged, easy to make and all around perfect for a lazy-ass yet piggy yet picky eater like me. And they're cheap too. About $1 each. Until I really thought about it.

Now here's the thing. I have one pretty much every day for lunch at work. That's about 5 times a week. I've been doing that pretty much for about 3 years. Some math please:

$1 X 5 days a week X 52 weeks a year X 3 years = $780

I mean you'd have to be a little bit mentally retarded to spend $780 on any one food item right? Hmmm...but they're so damn good...and convenient. I wonder when I'll get sick of them. I wonder how much I'll have spent by then.

I guess that's the price of being lazy. C'est la vie, right? Oh well, I'm not gonna worry about it...I've definitely got bigger fish to fry. Mmmm...fish....I'm suddenly starving. Maybe I'll go have one of those $780 Lean Pockets.

My acoustic...

2010-09-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

I love my cheapy guitars, they make me so happy :) This one's the acoustic, and THIS is my electric. I've had these FOREVER!!!

You don't have to have an expensive instrument to get a huge kick out of playing. And even if other people don't think you're great, guitar is the kind of thing you can just lose yourself in. Even if you're just sitting there idly picking at it while you think of something else.

It's almost meditational. I would HIGHLY recommend it. And on that level, guitar is the easiest instrument to learn.

By the way, these are glow in the dark stars on my guitar. It's AMAZING in the dark at night. I tried to take a picture of it, but it was TO-tal fail...just a big black screen (as any intelligent person would expect if they took a picture in the dark)....(but not me of course, I thought a miracle magical thing would happen...UGH)...(oh well)

Anyway,

Rock & Roll

ahahaha

2010-09-20T18:26:00.001-07:00

I want to be ripped out of this room. I want to be locked up, drugged up, zapped and lobotomized. I want to be annihilated, obliterated, destroyed for good, wiped off the face of the earth...null and void. I want to be put away somewhere and forgotten. I want to forget. I want to turn off my mind and turn down my heart and wipe out my soul. I want to disappear into thin air.

I want to be empty and numb.

I can't take it anymore. I'm so fucking tired. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I don't even want to be happy. That's not it. I would give anything just to not feel this constant droning aching awful gut-deep soul-wrenching pain.

I give up trying to make it better. Trying to be good...trying to be better. Trying to do more, love more, give more, be more...fuck that. I'm done.

I'm making everyone around me miserable. Everyone I love. I want to give them so much love and happiness, but every time I come around, I bring my awful shitty dark cloud of doom and gloom. I'm ruining everyone and everything.

Go away, get away, set yourself free while I'm not looking. Find somewhere better, away from here. Don't let me take you down with me.

I would give anything if I could be strong enough to say fuck it all. Even you, dear invisible, nonexistent reader. Fuck it. Fuck it all.

Fuck this...fucking purgatory...boring boring boring. I'm well aware that I'm being boring.

I'm not alone. I know you feel this way too. But we can't help each other...and no one can help us. And we certainly can't help ourselves.

So fuck it all. Almost.

dried flowers are pretty

2010-09-19T20:28:00.001-07:00

I'm obsessed with dinasours

2010-09-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously, how scary is this picture:

I mean I'm FASCINATED by them. It may be because pre-historia covers two of my favorite topics: animals and nostalgia. I'll watch any show about animals, period. But also, I'm obsessed with anything about the past, history, long gone era, etc.

So I watch all these documentaries about dinosaurs, and the more I do the more confused I get about them. I have so many questions...I wish I knew a paleontologist so that I could just sit them down and grill them with all my many many questions:

Why were pre-historic animas so big?

Why aren't we, animals and humans living now, giants?

What happened to make us evolve into smaller b

eings?Why did evolution start down-sizing?

Why did God/the universe wipe out the pre-historic animals before giving life to humans?

How can paleontologists tell so much from just 4 crusty, old, corroded bones?

How do they know where to look for fossils?

Why is it that all successful predators eventually turn on their own kind?

Does this mean that humans are going to end humanity one day?

What will evolution come up with once we're gone?

Will there be a future species that looks at us the way we look at dinosaurs, in 200 million years?

I think I'm going to try to find a paleontologist/dinosaur expert on twitter and see if they can answer my questions...I'm really interested to discuss this with someone who cares as much, if not more, than I do.

my geeeetahr

2010-08-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

I just brought my guitar back from my parent's house. I left it there because my bf has a million guitars that I could use. But I've had this one for about 10 years, and it was my first and most loved guitar. I also have an acoustic at my parents house that I forgot to bring. I'll show you that one next time :)

I can't wait to clean it up, re-string it, and see if it's still rockable...I'm worried about the wood, I really did abandon it for about 5 years...Kinda feeling guilty about that...

look at where my cat likes to nap...

2010-08-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

I wonder if she thinks she's hiding...

don't talk talk talk about suicide...that's so cheeeeeesey

2010-08-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

The only bad thing about suicide is hurting the people who love you. If you're unfortunate enough to love them back, then you can't bring yourself to hurt them that way.

Even if I never accomplish my goals? I'd have to keep going anyway, since I'm loved. Being loved trumps depression.

But if that wasn't the case...I wouldn't even hesitate, I wouldn't even care about goals, or songs, or candy, or animals, or clouds, or rain, or perfume, or jewelry, or books, or stars, or poetry, or cake, or ballet, or guitars, or purple, or movie stars, or flowers, or snow, or night-time, or magic, or mermaids, or singing, or french fries, or makeup, or backgammon, or shoes, or art, or romance novels, or ice-cream, or unicorns, or…….

2010-07-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

These...

or these...

I would wear these, if I could...part 5

2010-07-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

it's been a Marilyn week...

2010-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I've been obsessing about Marilyn for most of this week. I've watched a bunch of her movies, and even watched some stuff on her on Youtube...something about her makes me happy...I feel like a world where someone like her could exist can't be all that bad. But then again, she didn't last too long here, did she? I wonder where she is now...

I was remembering today that when I was about 12 or 13 I found out that there was a M.M. autobiography. I went to every library in town, until I found one that had it. I thought about stealing it, very seriously. But I've always loved libraries...they're the closest thing to a house of worship for me. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

One of the nicest things my father ever did for me was to take that book and make a copy of it, on a copy machine. Every last page of it. I put it in a binder, and it was one of my most treasured possessions.

Years later, after high school, in an extravagant gesture of friendship, I gave it to a friend who at the time I thought meant a lot to me. I thought she would appreciate it. But she didn't, now I'm sure.

I've been disappointed by a lot of friends in my life. I'm ok with that. People have their own lives, problems, issues, dreams and goals...I'm not gonna hold it against anyone if their whole world doesn't revolve around me.

Right now, I would give anything to have that "book" back. The friend is long gone. My father has done a million other nice things for me. And I could go out and buy the actual book.

But it wouldn't be the same as what those tattered, old, photo-copied pages meant to me then. They were a symbol of something: my childish day-dreaming, my father's love, my innocent capacity to be completely obsessed with someone so tragic, even at that young age.

It makes me sad to think that even in their absence, lost forever as they are, probably in some landfill somewhere, they're still serving a function in my life. They're a symbol now of something else entirely. Now I know not to give up anything of myself to anyone who I'm unsure of. It's not that I'm jaded or bitter...I still trust people, mostly.

But I don't expect the world to love and understand me. I don't expect that by giving up my soul, they will give me their's in return. It was a sad and hard lesson to learn in my life. This is just one example of it.

But when I think about it, I should have learned it then...instead of repeating the mistake over and over again throughout all the years that followed. Have I finally learned? I hope so, but time will tell...

another Sunday...sigh

2010-07-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

I did so well today. I was happy-ish all day. I thought I was gonna make it after all.

Then I watched The Prince and the Showgirl.

UGH. First of all, it's a great movie, but ONLY because of Marilyn Monroe. She's absolutely top-form charming. Good old Sir Larry, though, can suck it. And he does. And he's supposed to be the greatest actor of his generation or something...hmm...no.

I wouldn't even know who he is, except that he was married to Vivien Leigh AKA Scarlett O'Hara AKA Blanche Dubois. However, despite his amorous connections, he's a bore, and a pompous, overrated, terrible actor. I may get scolded for that, but there it is, and I'm sticking to it.

Where was I? OH yeah. So I'm super-depressed again today.

The thing is, for all her beauty, charm, talent, and kindness, all Marilyn ever got was used. Everyone just got what they wanted, and no one gave anything to her at all. Every time I think of her life, I get overwhelmed with the tragedy of it all. Fifty years after she's gone, people are still obsessed with her. Isn't that worth anything? She came out of nowhere and made something incredible and other-worldly out of herself. And still, she died unhappy.

It's too depressing to think that you could accomplish all you ever thought you wanted, and at the end of all that struggling, you're all alone and at the mercy of a hard, cruel, heartless, empty world.

It makes me feel like it's not worth the struggle. For all the reasons I can relate to Marilyn, I can also see that she's the best case scenario. Let's say everything works out, and you get to the top of the game. If life happens to still suck at that point, then what's the point of even trying?

I did see a documentary about her where this woman who had spent 10 years photographing her said she was only really happy at the start of her career. When she still had hope.

I gotta say, I'm the happiest when I'm lost in my daydreams too. But what if those daydreams come true, and then you realize that it's not enough. I know I sound like a bratty, spoiled child saying it's never enough. But I'm not sad just for me. I know there are people who have less, people with real problems--illness, poverty, abuse...an endless list of horrible things. But if that's the reality, and then you rise above it, and what's above is still more of the same...why even try to rise? Why try to do or be or have anything?

I know this post is stinking, dirty, rotten of me. And I'm sorry if I'm depressing anybody out there. Depressing people is one of my super powers. That's why I've made a vow not to talk about any of this crazy stuff in my head with any of my friends or family. They deserve better than that.

I'm sorry every time I do it to you too, sweet Reader. But I'm not sure if you even exist. Does anyone actually even read this blog? It's mostly just a diary, and I desperately had to put it all down, get it out of my head, so that maybe I could possibley be able to go to sleep tonight. Probably not though.

Maybe I'll try to think some happy thoughts. No I think it's better to stop thinking altogether. I wish I could press a button and shut my thoughts up for a while. I need a break. I need a little vacation from my own head. Do you ever feel trapped inside your own head?

If you're a little mad at me for whining, just give me credit for this much: all week I'm the most positive person on earth. I look at the bright side of everything and put on a smile and go to work and talk to people I can't stand and do what I'm supposed to do like a good little girl. And it's exhausting. Sundays I come crashing down to earth. I'll be a good girl again tomorrow. But for now, I just need to go to sleep.

So...good night and sweet dreams.

I find my cat FASCINATING...

2010-07-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why she climbed into the bath...but that's where I found her.

And 99.9 % of the time she's to-die-for cute, but this one time she's just to-die-for creepy kitty LOL

If I ever write a horror novel, I'm going to use this as the cover.

death by pixie sticks...I had help but YUM

2010-07-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Unbearable Sunday

2010-07-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

I always complain about Mondays, because Mondays kind of suck. Everyone agrees with that.

But nothing about Mondays compares with the agony I go through on Sundays. The one thing Monday has going for it, is that at least it's a new day, a new week, a new beginning. But Sunday...Sunday is the end.

I've dreaded Sundays my whole life. No matter what I do, I always end up depressed. Even if the rest of the week I was happy. Even if great things happened all weekend. Even if I plan for it, and try to occupy every moment so I don't have a chance to sit down and realize it's Sunday.

There's nothing I can do. It's a fog, it's a dark cloud, it's unavoidable doom and gloom. It's an unshakeable melancholy that descends on Sundays and I cave under it's weight no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Sunday is a wake up call, no matter how happy I may be in life. It reminds me that everything ends...that time is running out.

Today is Monday. But with the 4th of July weekend, today is a holiday. And therefore, my Sunday moment came late this week. I'm feeling it today. I thought I escaped, because yesterday was good. I had a good 4th with people I love. I was happy. But today...when I least expected it, Sunday came anyway.

Sunday to remind me of everything I'm missing, everything I want and may never have, everything I may lose, everything passing me by and everything wilting before my eyes.

Sunday is unbearable.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

2010-06-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've been running around saying that all month. I've pretty much milked it for all it's worth. I love the month of June. I get to claim the whole month as mine. Unfortunately, it's almost over. Oh well. But as far as birthdays go...it wasn't entirely rotten this time around.

Actually gotta say, it was the best one so far by far. Not because I did anything exciting or fabulous. But because for once I took the pressure off. I didn't make myself be fake happy. I didn't make myself be extroverted and superficially friendly. I didn't even waste any energy on being depressed about aging one more year. I just "be"-ed. And it was a very nice day.

I spent the weekend celebrating with my family. Our usual, traditional, very dorky, very predictable, but very essential family birthday. We do the same thing for everybody, every year. And still every year we all pretend we don't know what's going on. It's TRADITION. That's what makes it work.

Also, I taught my niece how to play backgammon, which she rocks at. And I made my mom watch "Courtney Love, Behind the Music" so she can understand why I'm obsessed with Courtney Love. She didn't, of course. But I love her for trying.

And today, I went to dinner with my bf. He got me some flowers, and a cake. And an ipod. The third one he's gotten me in 4 years. It's become something of a joke with us. Those things are not built to last. Although, in all fairness, I did leave the last one hanging out my door as I drove off, dragging it along the freeway. I never saw it again, but I'm sure it didn't look too pretty.

And the flowers were extra special too. We had a little "episode" over flowers 4 years ago. So it's nice to see we've gotten over that. Oddly enough, it's actually quite a significant thing if you knew the subtext...which I'm not about to go into.

Anyway....all in all, I'm glad to report that this was, for once, a very good birthday. There were a few good friends that I wish I could have shared my birthday with. But they are far away, for now, and it's enough for me to have their love from a distance. Things like that don't bother me.

Well, gotta go have some more cake...my all time favorite, strawberry shortcake. Gotta love a man who gives you music and your favorite kind of cake and flowers all on the same day :D

nails

2010-06-23T17:36:00.000-07:00

these look MUCH better in person--stupid camera

2010-06-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

MY LIFE GOALS

2010-06-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

1. write brilliant songs

2. put songs out to World

3. receive praise and adoration from World

4. become beloved, famous, and successful

5. achieve complete independence through the acquisition of an ENORMOUS fortune $$$$$$$

6. move into a penthouse suite in a luxury hotel

7. drop out of society and become a recluse (a la Garbo)

8. become completely nocturnal

9. live in a magical kingdom of my own creation

10. continue to make music, possibly hold exclusive "fans-only" performances at small venues

11. surround myself with my family and very close friends only

12. stop racing against time

13. do only the things that make me happy

14. die eventually

15. never come back, hopefully

work, venting, bitching, complaining, and generally being grumpy

2010-06-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

People wear me OUT! I swear to God, sometimes I wish I could just disappear (like in Bewitched) right in the middle of an awkward conversation. Just *snap* and *poof* be gone. I HATE CHITCHAT and I HATE SMALL TALK!!!!!

Creepy religious girl at my work today totally freaked me out with illuminati talk...honestly, I don't want to know...I'm the kind of person that gets easily scared, because somewhere in my head anything is possible and I just would rather apply that kind of imagination to unicorns and fairies and romance...do me a favor, crazy-kookoo girl: don't preach at me about satan...kthanksbye.

Also, I've been in training for my job for almost 4 weeks now...what the hell? It's not that difficult of a job, but the training sucks ass. There's about 10 of us in the class, and everyday they have us "shadow" which means we just sit there and watch someone work all day. I could have learned it all in 1-2 days, if I had a one-on-one with a qualified trainer or even a freaking manual would have been better. I'm really really REALLY not a people person. UGH. I can't wait to be confined to my own private cubicle hell, where at least I can avoid the other lunatics in the asylum. I do my best to avoid them by sticking my nose in a book at lunch, but once you're out of high school, people just cannot let you be anti-social. If you're not trying to make friends with them, they get a real bug up their ass to come and FORCE you to suffer the small talk.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm actually a very kind and compassionate person. If you need my help, I do what I can. But don't talk to me because you feel sorry for me.

I like my solitude. I like my own company. I don't need to surround myself with bodies and voices and chatter and banal discussions about topics I don't care about. And if I find you interesting you'll know it, because I'll ask you. But if you can't be open and honest enough to have an interesting conversation, then I'm not the girl you need to be talking to.

Meanwhile, essentially I'm getting paid to sit like a dork, smile like a dork, nod like a dork, take notes like a dork, ask questions like a dork, and uncomfortably fake-laugh at dumb comments like a dork. I'm doing all this dorky shit in the most amateur way too, which is the real shame of it...I don't think I'd make a good actress after all. Although I really am doing "method" acting to the core--I AM a dork, I AM a dork. I think I'm really feeling it.

So either I'm a total hypocrite or just a whore who will do anything for money. Either way, corporate America is fucking me in a very gentle and mind-numbing way. Thanks, now give me my $.

another poem...cuz, you know, I'm like...totally deep and stuff

2010-06-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

How kind you are

O Lyre of Vale

To tell the world

About the pain

That crippled me

With apathy

Against my will

Surrounded me

O Apathy, you hounded me

How cruel of you

To show the world

How small I feel, how over-whelmed

How broken down and over-looked

An empty shell, to house the strings

The sadness that this music brings

To give the world my everything

O Lyre of Vale, O Apathy

Go tell them all

Abandon me

Leave me here

Without a care

How good you are

To take the pain

Leave me here

A void, a null

Abandon me

Go tell them all

The broken strings

The cold, crushed shell

The song is done

Now all is well

I would wear these, if I could...part 4

2010-05-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

my dry skin can kiss my butt

2010-05-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

UGH! I hate having dry skin.

I met a girl at my new job yesterday, who turned out to be 41 years old. I only found out after she said her 18 year old son just left home, and since I thought she was 19, I thought it was a miracle birth or something...but no, turned out she didn't have him when she was a year old. Hmph...go figure.

Anyway, the reason she looks so young is twofold. One, she is a curvy gal...trust me, that's the secret to beautiful skin once you get to be une femme d'un certain age (I totally got that phrase from Andre Leon Talley's genius book, I'm stealing it and making it my own). Being skinny skinny skinny can actually make you look more wrinkley. But who are we kidding, if I ever get to skinny, I'm going to do everything within my power to STAY skinny. I'd rather be skinny and old-looking...that's just my personal brand of craziness. Moving on...

The second and more important reason, is because of oily skin. Here's the pisser: Oily-skinned girls get acne, and that sucks. Acne can also kiss my butt. BUT because of my dry skin, it's not really a big problem for me. Instead of constant constellations, I tend to just get a random planet here and there, usually the middle of my forehead. If you have acne-prone skin, I feel your pain, but this is about me and my bitching about my problems, so back to me.

As I see it, the beauty of oily skin is that it stays more lubricated and elastic. Like leather, if you wax it and take care of it, it doesn't crack. DRY SKIN CRACKS! Or at least it feels like it's about to. You see, when I get out of the shower, I'm literally having to take a second shower in oils and lotions, because my skin feels so dry and tight that I feel positively reptilian.

So, in case I get to choose in my next life, here's the choice:

oily skin (therefor acne)

dry skin (therefor wrinkles)

God, I love life.

Ok, I'm tired and grumpy. That's my excuse for this post.

On a completely unrelated note though, here's a video of my darling little Pumpkin-pants, playing with her doggy...I'm very amused by the fact that my cat enjoys chewing on a doggy...there's something ironic in that, but I'm too tired to go into it.

Cat People, enjoy. :D

Barefoot vs. shoes, OR Why I Hate Going to Work

2010-05-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

i hate shoes…I mean I love shoes, of course, but I hate them too. Confused? Let me explain. What I'm trying to say is that I love to be barefoot. Unless I have to go to work, or run errands, I spend the majority of the day barefoot. I even drive barefoot. It just feels natural and comfortable to me. And when your feet get used to this peacefulness, it's hard to shove them into the constraints of a shoe again.

Oddly enough when I was little I wore shoes all the time…but that was because I thought feet were ugly. Then when I stopped wearing uncomfortable shoes all the time, my feet miraculously became prettier.

As it turns out, shoes are actually not that great for you either. Your foot is supposed to bend and be flexible as you walk, and shoes that are stiff restrict that movement. This causes all kinds of feet, knees, leg, and back problems. Walking barefoot allows your foot to do what it is meant to do freely.

As for support, I gotta say the human body is an amazing and self-sufficient machine. Of course, it wasn't built for walking on concrete, but sometime after we learned to walk upright, and before we invented weapons, we actually had to chase our food…for miles and HOURS at a time. Barefoot. Also, what about dancers who also dance, run, and JUMP for hours a day in dance shoes (which are essentially just cloth/leather with no support)…they learn to just keep a flexible, unlocked knee, and use all the muscles in their body for extra support. How it's meant to be, I'm sure.

As for the grossness factor…it's actually not that unsanitary as long as you wash your feet regularly the way you wash your hands. In any case, most diseases are caught through the mouth and the nose, and most of us don't sit around with our feet up to our faces.

So the worst that can happen is that you'll step on something you didn't see. Walking barefoot forces you to be more aware of your surroundings. Incidentally, when I was 11 I did step on a bee, and it did sting me…which oddly enough made me go barefoot even more, since I got tired of stopping to take off my socks and shoes every 5 seconds to scratch the bottom of my feet. That's one experience I'll never forget.

Now I just look where I step. And honestly, think of all the bacteria growing in your shoes that you step on for hours at a time…that's an observable fact. Not to mention bugs and other creepy-crawlies…because I think until the day I die, I'm NEVER going to put on a pair of shoes without shaking them first…because the one day I don't do it will be the day a centipede or a scorpion has made a home in there…just waiting for my helpless foot.

Although, in their defense, shoes are fascinating. I mean they can be ugly, beautiful, weird, artistic, elegant, or tacky. They come in about a million styles, colors, varieties, shapes and forms. They can complete any outfit, make your legs prettier, make you look taller, cooler, richer, sexier, or even more athletic. And you just can never find the perfect pair in your perfect size. It's a never-ending quest.

So there you have it. About one million reasons to go barefoot…and really only one reason to wear shoes. What is that one reason? Because we want to. It's a choice. Usually. And that's great. But what I hate is the situations where you are forced to wear shoes: restaurants, interviews, school, work, stores…those are the times when I really feel like Tarzan in a tuxedo.

Which is why when I don't have to, I choose barefoot. And I seriously recommend it. It's one of the basic things you can do to seize the day, and your freedom.

surrealism, irrealism, unrealism

2010-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

When you think about it, these categories don't make any sense. I mean REALLY, can anyone actually explain the difference between surrealism, irrealism, and unrealism??? Even realism is unreal, I mean what is realism in, say film...is any of it really REAL? When you think about it, these labels are so academic. It makes you think, it makes you ask questions, it makes you examine...great. But not very practical in any other way.

If you're describing a painting to me, and you say only, it's a surrealist painting, that tells me something. But it's really not much. I mean, it could be ANYTHING. It could be The Birth of Venus for all I know, which is definitely surrealist by definition, but NO ONE would label it as such. You'd get laughed out of university, right?

I just don't get it. I don't understand what the purpose of these labels is.

People ask me all the time, "what kind of music do you do?" It's a fair question, and there is my usual answer "rock." It's never good enough for anyone.

"What kind of rock?"

"Oh, well, I guess, alternative..."

"Wow! Really! Wow! ...um, so like, um, like...what kind of...well, who do you sound like?"

I feel bad for people, trying so hard to figure out something so intangible, I usually start naming bands just out of pity. But, honestly, I don't want to sound like any of these bands. I'm just naming bands I like.

I mean Veruca Salt, for example, refer to The Beatles. Everyone and their mom refer to The Beatles. And NO ONE sounds like The Beatles.

It's so pointless.

I'm in a chatty mood today! I better cut it off here :)

art

2010-05-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

I want to do an art post, and just put up a million pictures. Aside from stealing them from google though, I also have the problem of picking my favorites. I have so many...big project.

I've already done Waterhouse and Parkes. I'm gonna do similar posts. But first I want to make a list...you know how I HEART LISTS!

plus I'm in a mood...I don't know, I guess a listing mood....um, yeah. Who cares. My blog, right? :)

MY FAVORITE ARTISTS:

* Michael Parkes

* John William Waterhouse

* Odilon Redon

* James Ensor

* Arnold Bocklin

* Gustav Klimt

* Scott Mutter

* Rene Magritte

* Ray Caesar

* Peter Milton

* Gustav Moreau

* Salvador Dali

I can see there is a surrealist common denominator amongst all of the artists I like...but I think it's more than that. I think mostly they are very methodical artists too. They seem somehow organized and expressive in a deliberate way. As if there was a great deal of effort and thought involved in the creation, but also a lot of channeling. Well, anyway, that's my feeble attempt at explaining something that is all feeling to me. When I look at the work of these artists, I'm usually at a loss for words...not great for a blog, so from here on out, I'm going to do posts with pictures, and let them speak for themselves.

minor note: it does concern me that I have no female artist on this list. Am I a shitty feminist? I mean who is there, Frida Kahlo? eh, I could leave it. Maybe I'm a great humanist today, not sticking a random girl on the list just to satisfy my feminism. Maybe I just haven't found her yet.

things I like

2010-05-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

I like to bellydance.

I like to write poems.

I like to play pretend.

I like to play with makeup.

I like yoga.

I like pretty dresses.

I like to write songs.

I like to invent secret stories in my head.

I like to play the recorder.

I like to play with my cat.

I like to watch nature shows.

I like animals more than people.

I like to play the guitar.

I like to sing.

I like to hum.

I like to look at pictures of celebrities on the internet.

I like to write looooooooong emails.

I like to read magazines.

I like to lounge around all day.

I like to blog.

I like the nighttime better than daytime.

I like the moon and stars.

I like magic, fantasy, fairytales, and make-believe.

I like unicorns.

I like pegasus.

I like mermaids .

I like witches.

I like fairies.

I like angels.

I like ghosts.

I like butterflies.

I like to be alone.

I like to be in love.

I like to hang out on the bathroom floor.

I like to linger.

I like to look at pictures.

I like to put on perfume and take a nap in it.

I like to daydream.

I like to tell little white lies.

I like to make lists.

I like to get over it...for now.

<333

to be continued....

Monsoon Wedding

2010-05-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

Monsoon Wedding is a beautiful film that I've been obsessed with for years. Every time I go back to it, which is usually when I'm forcing someone I love to watch it, it makes me excited about life. I don't really know why, but you just have to watch it to understand. If I had to guess, it's because of the characters. They are such nice, simple people. They remind me of my family. And yet there are complex relationships and histories...I'm mad about subplot. But it's a simple story too. I love that dichotomy of simplicity and complexity. It's a lot of the good and bad that makes up life. And on top of that it takes place in a beautiful world. And don't even get me started on the music...

But the real reason I wanted to write this entry is because of a particular quote from this great film. I wrote it down on a card that I use as a bookmark. Every once in a while, in the middle of reading a book, I look up and start daydreaming and absent-mindedly playing around with my bookmark. And pretty soon, I find myself reading this quote. And every time it strikes me as if it's the first time I've heard it.

And here it is:

"Only brave warriors fall from their horses in battle. How can kneeling cowards know what a fall is?"

I would wear these, if I could...part 3

2010-04-29T11:34:00.001-07:00

I'm putting off my job search to do another shoe post. Sue me.

This one is on famous shoes.

Like these ones, famously worn by Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz:

Or these ones, famously worn by Cinderella:

Or these, famously worn by Victoria Beckham:

Although, I actually prefer this version, personally:

Then there are these, famously worn by Naomi Campbell, when she fell on the runway:

These, as we all know, were famously worn by Mr. Mickey Mouse:

And Mr. Ronald McDonald:

Ok, I'm obviously over it. Back to fixing my resume, and job-searching HELLLLLL.

blue eyebrows....

2010-04-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is the eye look I did last night, when I was playing around in my makeup. It was very theatrical...and I quite like it. It reminds me of all those exotic silent film stars.

In fact, it looks pretty cool in B&W:

As I like to do a lot, I did each eye differently to see which way I like best. So here's an interesting picture of the end result, where I look like a mix between Theda Bara and Marilyn Manson:

I decided to make a new youtube video too while I was at it....which I have yet to edit. But as soon as I do, I'll post it here so you can see what I really looked like. It's worth a gander. I just get so tired of seeing people doing neutral looks on youtube.

As it happens, I made my eyebrows blue for this look, and even though I wiped off the eye makeup before bed last night, the eyebrows stayed blue. I have to say, I came this close to wearing blue eyebrows to my mom's house for lunch...but I showered and didn't bother to fill them in again...but definitely next time :D

I would wear these, if I could...part 2

2010-04-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

My favorite kinds of shoes, for being the next best thing to being barefoot, are ballet flats. Here's 5 great ones:

The Lanvin ones, in particular, I've been lusting after for a while...*sigh*

And not for nothing but I have so much love for actual ballet shoes (ugh damn you Amy Winehouse for killing it). Those real ballet shoes (not pointe ones, of course) are THE BEST...oh, if I could, I definitely would, but they can wear out fast on pavement, so you have to be able to afford new ones all the time.

As of right now, my absolute favorite shoes are these China flats I got in China Town in LA.

The top is all velvet and velcro. And the bottom is all cardboard.

Yes, cardboard. I wore them on a rainy day once, and I had to literally hang them up to dry. Nevermore, Lenore.

But they are my all-time most comfortable shoes...right up there with Uggs (which are my most comfortable boots). Here's a picture to show you how flexible they are...which is really good for your feet.

AHH, Comfort. Thou art my true mistress. I bow down at your feet. And admire your shoes.

I heart Skins...no I heart Sid and Cassie...no I heart Cassie

2010-04-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

Cassie is crazy and Sid is dorky. Pretty much sums up my own relationship with my bf :)

Decided not to watch season 3 (or 4) when I realized it was a new cast...Kind of regret it though, because I actually really like Effie...now I have to wait for it to come out on dvd since I HATE watching things from the middle...and anyway, I'm a marathon watcher...the concept of waiting a week for the next episode is toooooo heinous.

Anyway, I happen to be in Region 1, which sucks ass since who knows when we'll even get season 3 much less season 4. All of the UK blogs I go to keep talking about skins, and I have to keep skipping over it...ugh....my life is so boring. LOL. I know....if this is the worst thing today...but it really really annoys me...

this was pretty much my day today:

2010-04-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

(click on the pic to see it bigger)

It's been officially 3 months since I moved here. THREE wonderful months of relaxing, eating and sleeping, house decorating, and time-wasting. Blissful.

But, to be honest, I'm kind of over it. I'm a little tired of being unemployed. I NEVER thought I would say that, but there it is. The thing is, I hate the idea of 40 hours. If I could work just 3-4 hours a day...that would be ideal. If those 3-4 hours were at a job I enjoyed, that would be even better.

Of course, there's also a lot to be said about being independently rich. I mean as long as we're wishing for things. But even then, I would still want to do SOMETHING...some kind of useful work to make me feel less...well, useless actually.

So I've decided to get back out there. Let the job hunting begin. YIKES, YEESH, and ARGH.

goo' luck to me.

I would wear these, if I could...part 1

2010-04-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

So this is part 1 of MANY to come. I have tons of pictures of shoes I have saved on my computer, and I'm just gonna start pulling them out for this blog.

But....Let's start things off the right way. Let's start with perfection. My favorite dream shoes ever. They belonged, infamously enough, to Ms. Marilyn Monroe. Of course.

Seriously perfection, right?? Let's all drool together, shall we? Plus you could change those ribbons to match your clothes, like she used to. UGH. I will not rest until I have those shoes...someday. SOMEDAY.

*sigh*

shoooooooooooooooooos

2010-04-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing. I hate shoes. I mean I love shoes. But I hate shoes.

What I'm trying to say it that I hate wearing them. Ever since I was little I've loved running around barefoot. It's just more fun. I even stepped on a bee once and it stung the bottom of my feet. Did I learn my lesson? nope.

The thing is, I don't like to be confined. Most shoes just seem so confining. Your feet are in little cages. And not wearing shoes makes your feet really sensitive to discomfort. That's the other thing. Shoes hurt. It's gotten to the point where I'm only happy in my paper (yes PAPER) china flats and Uggs. That's it. TWO pairs of shoes. The rest of my shoes are just for looking at.

I say "the rest of my shoes" and that's the other thing. I have tons of them, just sitting there asking me "why did you buy me???"

I tell them, because I love you. It's true. I do love them. That's the sad part. I love shoes. They can be so beautiful and magical and especially since I can't wear them...they can also be so damn poetic.

Mostly I think shoes are art. A whole category of art onto themselves. That's why from now on, I'm gonna do a whole thread just on my favorite shoes. I'm gonna call it "I would wear these, if I could."

Enjoy :)

Because I talked toooooo much in my last post...

2010-04-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

I'll share a secret with you...laying down is my favorite thing to do:

click on the picture to see it bigger

NO GUILT! NO SHAME! :)

because all I can say is that "time wasted doing what you love is not wasted time. "

or something like that.

how to stop being lazy

2010-04-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yes I know...easier said than done. Don't forget that I'm currently unemployed. But there is more to life than work work work. Most of us, actually, are not that lazy when it comes to the things we MUST do...work, school, eat, sleep, breathe in and out. These are just the necessities you have to get through. You don't really think about it as a choice (although in a way, they ARE choices). You just do it.

But what about the things that are a choice. Well, I have a theory that we're all eternally rebellious little children. When you're a child, your parents own you. They can make you do things you hate (do your homework, eat your vegetables, brush your teeth), but you get back at them by rebelling in other ways. Then when you grow up, you become the boss of yourself...your own parent. And so, for lack of a better person to take it out on...you lash out at yourself.

At any rate, we're all lazy in some ways. I would love to have the discipline of a ballerina or olympic gold medalist when it comes to working out, but instead I have the discipline of a couch potato. I would love to be the free-spirited bohemian I always am in my head, right before I turn on the tv and my head turns to mush. I would love to write a novel, write a song, at least write a blog entry every day...but...yaaaawwwwwn...first I'll take a little cat nap.

These are choices. You're only as lazy as you allow yourself to be. Having said that, here's some stuff I've figured out that really helps me:

1. DECIDE to do it. CHOOSE to do whatever it is that you're avoiding. It's ok, you can do this one laying down. Think about what it is that you think you're supposed to be doing. Is it something you want to do? Is it something that you would benefit from doing? If so, then just calmly tell yourself that you will do it.

2. Don't procrastinate. Once you decide to do it, don't give yourself a chance to forget, or to change your mind. You already decided you have/want to do it...so do it NOW.

3. If it seems like a big job, don't be overwhelmed. Break it down into easy little steps. Then start anywhere. Start with the easiest part. Just doing something, anything, usually leads to doing more. It's the snowball effect. Let's say you have to clean the house. If you just start picking things up here and there, suddenly you get into the full swing of it, and before you know it you're ACTUALLY cleaning the whole house. Once you're going, don't sit, don't stop. Don't lose momentum...because then you'll have to start all over again.

4. Sometimes we make a big deal out of the easiest things because we want to be perfect. The simplest task becomes gargantuan because of the HUGE pressure to do it absolutely perfectly. I'm the worst at this. If it's not perfect, what's the point. This has held me back so much in life. Think about all the things you've missed out on. I bet you can think of a lot of times you didn't even try to do something because you just KNEW you couldn't do it perfectly. How boring! I'm so mad at myself for letting so many opportunities pass me by in life because I thought this way. Now I say eff it. I'm starting to see the beauty in things that are not perfect. And nothing ever is. In fact, people win contest all the time with less than perfect scores. Great art is created with the most beautiful imperfections. Imperfections are interesting. Imperfections make us human and different from machines. Imperfections are the spice of life....I would strongly suggest that you start to embrace your imperfections.

5. Once you start to love your imperfections, you can stop being hard on yourself. Stop thinking what a lazy loser you are. You're NOT. You're not perfect either. No one is. Allow yourself to just be. And allow others to just be. We're all just trying to make the best of life, and that's all anyone can do. There's so much peace of mind in just accepting this. Knowing this, allows you to let go of so much unnecessary baggage and stress to make room for happiness. Where you once only could see opportunities to look foolish, lazy, or to let yourself/others down, now you can start to see opportunities to TRY. And if you try and fail, who can call you lazy ever again? At least you had the gumption and fortitude to try. Most people don't even let themselves get that far.

6. This next one I got from Mary Poppins. FIND THE FUN. Now that you realize you're making the choice and you are, in fact, the boss of you...stop rebelling. Don't be a ninny and say "fine, I'll do it, but I won't like it." COME ON! Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. If you want to be nice to yourself, then at least be a fun babysitter. Make it into a game, put on some music, dance around, act stupid, bring treats, get messy...do whatever it takes to turn what you're doing into an enjoyable experience. Sometimes just challenging yourself in little ways can be fun...because it's fun to accomplish things. It's fun to go a step further than you ever have before. It's all in how you think of things.

7. If after all this, you still just don't WANNA doooooooo iiiiiiiitttt, kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum like a terrible toddler...it's time to think about what is holding you back. For example, maybe you just really don't want to go to class, because you hate the teacher, or the subject, or school all together, or you just don't want to be cooped up inside all day, or you really wish you were on a safari or a million other reasons why "class" is just not appealing to you. Maybe you want to drop out and go be a fisherman in Alaska. SERIOUSLY! Sometimes, you have to look at what you don't want to see what it is that you really do want. Don't wait for your midlife crisis. Deal with it now. The smallest task you're avoiding could lead to a life-changing revelation.

In the end, if you enjoy something, you'll do it. I know people who will get up at 4 AM, go out in the freezing cold, put on a wetsuit and hike up a cliff to dive into the freezing ocean. They get up and do this willingly! Because they love it. Because it makes them feel alive. Me? I enjoy my bed. A LOT. Laying down and watching movies makes me feel alive. But I'm doing it because I love it, not because I'm being lazy and avoiding doing other things. It's what buddhism calls being "mindful." Do what you're doing, and notice that you're doing it, and realize WHY you're doing it.

All that, and don't be hard on yourself (or others for that matter) because life can be hard. What better can we do but our best?

<333

Lyra

I'M OBSESSSSSED!!! These are so weird, but feel so good...

2010-04-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

ok, I HATE feet...I mean, I get it that this is gross and ugly...but honestly, they feel so relaxing when you try them, you'll see...although, my friend tried it and didn't care for it...I may be the only weirdo...but I have ache-y feet all the time, and I love anything that will do ANYTHING for my feet...I would also say that if you can get anyone to give you a foot massage while you have these on...THAT is also heaven...but I don't know if that's safe for your feet...so take the risk if you don't care about possibly doing damage. All I know is that I like anything that stretches my plantar fascia, which is precisely the part of my foot that is already messed up, so all I can do really is just keep messing with it.

Oh also, if you have the same problem as me, it also helps to roll your foot over a tennis or golf ball...

sometime I'll show you how I use the stairs to massage my feet...basically it involves standing at the edge of a step with your foot half off, did that make any sense??? trust me, it feels good. And if you turn around, it's really good for stretching calves, hamstring, and even the achilles tendons.

Best of all, however, is if you find a boyfriend as wonderful as mine, who will put his elbows to your aching feet...as the song goes "once you've found him, never let him go."

Losing Friends

2010-03-25T13:28:00.001-07:00

Losing friends is like losing your baby teeth. For a while, they're just dangling there by a thread. Somewhere in your head you know it's better to let them go. But you also know that it might hurt, and maybe bleed a little. While it's dangling, though, it's hard to eat or do anything. All you can do is just keep playing with it and wondering when it'll just fall off, and what it all means about growing up.

When I was growing up, I was really chicken about the baby-teeth process. I know most kids don't stress out about it that much...but I did. My mom would literally chase me around trying to get me to just let her yank it out. But I just didn't want to deal with that. It hurt to have them, it sucked to pull them out...I was miserable either way.

That's how a lot of my friendships seem to be going within the last few years. I'm changing. A lot. And unfortunately, it seems that I'm outgrowing a lot of what I thought were good friendships. Nothing wrong with the friends, but life happens to everyone. People grow up. They get married. They have babies. They have careers. Friends are supposed to go with you through thick and thin. They're supposed to. But sometimes that's not possible. Everyone has their own problems, worries, joy, life, etc....

So here I am trying to shove the tooth back in. Just make it stay in for a few more days. Just pretend it's not happening. But why do we lose our baby teeth? Because we've outgrown them. Our jaws have grown, and we need teeth that match. And there will be new teeth.. bigger, better, stronger, more suitable teeth.

That's as far as I'll take this analogy. I just think you have to listen to nature. Sometimes, it's out with the old, to make room for the new. And we should look back fondly on those baby teeth. They served their function. It's not like we didn't need teeth those 5-6 years that we had the baby teeth. They were good teeth. They did their best for us.

But when it's time to let go...you just have to let go. Even if it bleeds a little.

1000 cranes and my new vanity!!! :D

2010-03-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

click on the first picture to see it bigger:

I finished this about 2 weeks ago, but didn't roll around to putting up the picture. I was actually busy making my vanity. I couldn't find one the way that I wanted, so basically I bought a white desk, painted a mirror to match, and bought a wrought-iron chair at a thrift store, painted it, re-upholstered it and voila!!!

I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I even made a few extra cranes and added them to my vanity mirror.

It's so much more enjoyable when you had a part in making it yourself. Trust me. Although my whole house smelled like paint for about a week, the one week that I actually had lot of visitors come over to see my new place...so it got a little stressful.

But now I can totally sit back and enjoy it all. I'm in a very good place...happy...and waiting for my wish to come true.

does this make me a photographer now??? probably not

2010-03-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

2 more pics of my table:

This is my favorite one, I can't believe I have a galaxy in my coffee table! :)

for the best effect, click on the pictures to make them bigger

my BEA-U-TI-FUL, shabby chic, so GOLD it's kinda tacky coffee table LOL :)

2010-03-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

This is another crafts-y post. I bought this coffee table at The Salvation Army for $11. It looked like someone had been very mean to it. But I loved the design and decided to get creative with it.

Couple of coats of paint...and a whole container of gold glitter...

and VOILA!!!

The only problem was the varnish. VERY VERY VERY painful process. And it still came out patchy in parts. But it's definitely shabby chic :) I love it!

It's pretty hard to capture the beauty of it with my crappy camera though. So I took about a million pictures.

WITHOUT the flash:

WITH the flash:

WITHOUT the flash:

WITH the flash:

HAHA, I get so obsessed! I actually ended up with a couple of really cool pictures while I was trying to capture the BEAUTY of it all. I'll post those tomorrow. I think this post is all pictured out for now! :D

Re-incarnation and movies

2010-03-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Just had this total epiphany:

When you watch a movie, you escape to the world of the movie. You become the character, you experience the plot, you learn the lessons and acquire the skills and in general absorb the entire theme of the movie as if it were really happening to you. I mean, if it's a good movie.

So watching a movie, is like living a short 2-hour life. I've seen thousands of movies in this lifetime alone. I'm also the kind of person that will watch something I love over and over and over again. Some of my favorites I've seen probably close to 50-100 times. So that's like re-living a lifetime.

Now, the whole point of re-incarnation is to learn the lessons you need to learn so that you can become enlightened and transcend whatever it is that is "life" and become one with the universe. So if you have to be born over and over again and live all these lifetimes to learn all these lessons, I can't help feeling that all my hours "wasted" watching tv and film haven't really been all that wasteful.

In the end, I've lived so many mini-lifes, and learned so many lessons through experiencing second-hand "situations" that I'm sure it must count for something. I can only hope that I've managed to cut out a couple of life-times, at least, out of my own life-death cycle. Right???

One can only hope, I guess.

kyodai-Japanese makeup vanity

2010-03-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

I've been on the hunt for a vanity, a la Breakfast at Tiffany's, to sit my fancy-pantsy tushy at and do my makeup. I've always had to fake one, with all kinds of make-shift contraptions that wobbled and creaked and in general just looked pathetic. Since I bought my bedroom set though, I've been inspired to do something cool and go for a decorative, unified front. But I guess no one makes vanities anymore. Especially not in white. I've found a few online, but I don't want to buy furniture online...there's too much that can go wrong and then you've spent a bunch of money to end up with something crappy.

Plan B is to make another stab at creating something. But this time I'm going to make something stylish and....well, with some STYLE. I guess. I may just be being to ambitious though for what's available to me. I HAVE been thinking about Memoirs of a Geisha and in particular the vanity style. Here's some similar images from google:

Buddhist Lessons: ego and happiness PART 1

2010-03-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

I've been studying up on this one a lot lately. Buddhism teaches that depression is basically the result of an over-indulged ego. When you get so wrapped up in yourself and your own world and your own problems you can no longer put things in the right perspective. When you're living your whole life based around your ego, everything becomes me me me. "What's in it for me?" "What about me?" "Why is this happening to me?"

But my whole life has revolved around me. While I have to admit that it hasn't made me the happiest person in the world, I'm still not convinced that being an egoist is such a terrible thing. Mind you two of my favorite literary characters are Scarlett O'Hara (Gone With The Wind) and Howard Roarke (The Fountainhead). Two perfect examples of successful egoism.

Scarlett is an amazing person because she's so single-mindedly egotistical and selfish. Her strong focus on her ego is what leads her to endure hardships others cannot bear and in fact she thrives because she is so determined to get all the things she wants. I've been looking up to Scarlett O'Hara since I was 6 years old. My whole life I've thought to myself "What would Scarlett do?" So it's strange to question that and to realize after all these years: Even though she was such an amazingly admirable achiever, in the end she was just so miserable for so much of her life. In the same way that Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl) strives to be like Audrey Hepburn and then behaves in a completely un-Audrey way, Scarlett wanted nothing more that to be like her mother...sweet and kind and loved by everyone. She never let her ego quiet down enough to be that way until Rhett Butler walked away.

As for Howard Roarke, I became obsessed with his character because he is such a respectably independent and autonomous person. It's true that he acts purely on his own ego. He is an architect because it makes him happy. He designs the way he wants, and even when others don't approve, their opinions never touch him. He is in his own world...practically an island unto himself, and no one can touch him, not with their criticism nor with their praise. To my over-sensitive and needy-of-love-and-approval mind, this seems like the ideal way to aspire to be. So I've talked myself down from many a ledge by saying "Howard Roarke would not care about what anyone thinks of him, he would just do things the way he wanted and make himself happy."

Thinking about it now though, I guess the appealing peacefulness of Howard Roarke lies in his ability to throw himself into his art with complete mindfulness. Mindfulness is a Buddhist concept of basically being present in the moment and fully focused "mindfully" on whatever is happening in that moment. In his egoism, Howard Roarke was only concerned with what made him happy, his work, and therefore he didn't care too much about connecting with other people in any meaningful way. That he managed to find a few real friends and even love by the end of the novel seems like a miracle, but in reality these things happened because he was so completely himself at all times. He never pretended to be anything else, and in the end he attracted like-minded people into his life. They connected because they shared the same beliefs. He may not have been popular and loved by all, but the few connections he made were completely pure and honest.

The point is that minding your ego doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Most religions tell you to sacrifice your ego for the greater good. Forget about what makes you happy, and do what would make everyone else happy. This just sounds like a really mean thing to say to a kid, and it is very unnatural to me. After all, even in nature, animals are driven by their ego to survive. I'm hungry, I hunt, I eat. I'm tired, I rest. I'm in danger, I must avoid pain, I escape or fight to survive. It's a built-in chip that makes us listen to our ego and do what makes us happy, in order to avoid suffering and unhappiness. To tell people that they have to put that aside, only leads to guilt and mis-spent energy...and in the end I think a lot of people act out against others by being cruel or committing crimes because of this guilt or shame of not being able to be "a good person."

In the end, the philosophy of life I've learned and followed thus far has been MYOB (mind your own business). Be exactly who you want to be, do exactly what you want to do. Concern yourself with your own happiness and don't worry about what anyone else is doing or saying or feeling. If you're not actively hurting anyone else, if you're not actively participating in adding negativity to the world, then you're a good person. Right? Well, that's been my entire ethical theory in life and it sounds good but then why does Buddhism not approve? For that matter, why have I battled with so much depression in my life, when at any given moment you can find me indulging my ego, and doing all the various things that make me happy? What's underneath it all that is bothering me?

Maybe I can answer this in part 2. I think I've gone on long enough for today. I have a feeling the answer may lie in a third favorite character: Sara Crewe (A Little Princess). Stay tuned :)

stuff I do at night to avoid going to sleep

2010-03-08T12:33:00.001-08:00

cow-tipping??? huh? why?

2010-03-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

This is so totally random...but this is how I ended up on the topic of cow-tipping. I was watching an old interview with Britney Spears of all things, and she said that growing up the only thing to do was cow-tipping. Now, I don't know her, but this seems like just too evil an act for someone like her to participate in. So I don't know what happened next but all I know is that I ended up spending about 2 hours researching "cow-tipping" on google...hmmm....yes, I know that I need to kinda sorta get a life.

ANYWAY...this is what I discovered:

1. cow-tipping may be only an urban legend, due to the facts that:

a. cows weigh about 1200 pounds and are VERY difficult to push over

b. cows do not sleep standing up

c. cows are herd animals, meaning they watch out for each other; they are NEVER caught by surprise.

d. they're not as dumb as they look, they can detect any small noise or threat and run away

e. they can run faster than you think, and they can hurt an attacker better than you think

f. basically, they are next to impossible to sneak up on and next to impossible to push over

2. if a cow IS tipped over, it could easily die or be fatally damaged. Due to it's heavy weight and large size, a cow falling over can easily break its rib-cage, damage internal organs, or die from internal bleeding. Even if the cow doesn't die, the owner of the cow will more than likely be forced to put the injured animal out of its misery.

Basically, it's really a very ignorant and evil thing to do.

I don't know what the point of me writing all this out is. I mean if someone is sadistic and cruel enough to go cow-tipping they aren't going to be reading blogs about it. But it's what I did today, and so I'm blogging about it.

my cat eating plastic flowers

2010-03-06T15:52:00.000-08:00

2010-03-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

so here's another great one from The Ancient Tales of Unemployment...I've been working on origami-ing my way to wish-fullfillment. Turns out there's a great Japanese tradition: make 1000 paper cranes and your wish comes true. And since I have nothing better to do with my time....I figure what's there to lose? At the very least, I'm well on my way to gaining...carpel tunnel syndrome that is. we'll have to wait and see...I've done about 600 so far...

2010-03-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

my finest work :) lol, oh well...my nieces were impressed at least!

should I throw some of this shit away??? I'm a hoarder...

2010-02-26T14:43:00.001-08:00

2010-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

Here it is! I really needed this curtain, that window is right next to my shower, and it was FREEZING, even for California winter. My mom helped me make it in the end...curtains are damn hard! You wouldn't think it's that hard, what with it being just a stupid rectangle, but it's hard to get the edges straight. Anyway, I like the end product, and I LOVE the design on the "fabric" LOL

I feel just like Scarlett O'Hara!!!

2010-02-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

been gone a long long time...I moved to a new house in a new city...and in spite of being unemployed and IN spite of having oodles of time on my hands...just haven't kept up with the blog or youtube for the past month or two.

I do miss it...but what can I say...depression's a bitch...and nothing like moving back to your "hometown" to bring all that shit back.

doesn't help that all I've done since I moved here is shop for furniture and decorate my place. I thought it would cheer me up. I'm a CANCER girl after all...nesting is supposed to cheer me up. And since my home is my sanctuary, I thought I would beautify and really make it a haven.

but when you're unemployed...well...let's just say I shouldn't have managed to go through $7,000 in 2 months somehow...but I did.

oopsy

yes I know...ridiculous.

SO anyway, I have to get back on the ball about this blog. I mean I guess I got discouraged because my life is pretty boring and I didn't feel a need to document THAT. but I've always been a diary-keeper...and I don't know why, but it's a very soothing thing to do...so I'm going back to keeping this diary/blog...and hopefully things will start to feel better again.

the event of the day: I found this old sheet at my mom's house from when I was little and I've decided to make it into a curtain for my bathroom. right, get a life. haha :) it's the little things though. Here's a pic of me wearing it as adress, which you must admit would have been the less betterer idea...right???

Look what I found while I was packing to move....

2010-01-14T00:39:00.000-08:00

It's a chocolate my boyfriend gave me LAST EASTER!!! I saved it and then forgot about it, and I guess this is what happens to chocolate after 9 months...yummy. Dare me to eat it??? no thanks hahaha :D oh well

THE ABSOLUTE LAST MONDAY FLOWERS!!! YAY! :D

2010-01-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

I finally did it! I finally quit, and they even let me go early, so I didn't have to finish my 2 weeks. I've been really busy trying to get organized for my move...so exciting! I love new beginnings...and now I can focus all my energy on that.

When the move is done and I get settled in, hopefully I can really focus more on this blog and also on youtube videos...I have a ton of ideas, but things haven't been easy here...hopefully now I'll be able to do some of the stuff I've been procrastinating on.

WILL THIS BE THE LAST MONDAY ALREADY???? I hope so...

2010-01-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

IT's ME!!! do you think I could win Cartman's love???

2010-01-01T01:23:00.000-08:00

2009-12-28T15:31:00.001-08:00

2009-12-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

This is the extent of my holiday decorating at work...I don't even know how this happened...maybe the awful christmas...I mean HOLIDAY...I mean baby Jesus songs seeped into my brain and into my soul and made me go temporarily insane???

I feel like the Grinch after his heart EXPLODES and he's left just an empty zombie shell of the grinch he used to be...

Happy effing Holidays!!!
:X

Just kidding...kinda :D
w/<3
Lyra

so sick of this...can't wait to move so I never have to post another monday flower

2009-12-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

2009-12-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

Does this look dumb? I kinda like it...I think...

2009-12-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

lunch...yummmmmmmmmmm

2009-12-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

I'm trying not to think of greasy maggots...supposed to be cool basil...

but yum annnnyway...it was delish even if it was ugly:

ever notice that the best tasting food looks like the most aaaaaawful-est disgustingness??? odd

2009-12-08T22:19:00.000-08:00

2009-12-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

It's definitely a monday...you can tell by my desk drawer at work:

In my own defense: right along with the junior mints, twix and corn nuts I have alsmonds (unsalted thankyouverymuch) and oatmeal (reduced sugar). yeah...my diet's going great. Oh and yes that's strawberry shortcake, from my happy meal last week. um...ok no excuses for that one. it was dee-lishshshshsh!!!

my boss...???

2009-12-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

monday flowers...for 1 more month only hopefully...dear GOD let's pray

2009-11-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

Mondays still suck, but...

2009-11-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

The lobby of my work looks like a whole different kind of hell this week.

Thanksgiving:

Christmas:

I hate the music, I hate the colors and I hate the cheesiness. But even I am not Grinch enough to not get excited when the holidays start. Doesn't hurt that there's lots of food involved. That's definitely the way to my heart...so happy oinking everyone!

2009-11-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

This is gonna be a loooooooooooong one!

2009-11-20T15:12:00.001-08:00

So this is picture from perezhilton.com.
I know it’s silly and kind of pathetic for people to get tattoos of any movie/fad, etc. I’ll be the first to roll my eyes and sit in judgment of people like this. But at the same time…I don’t know. There’s something almost poetically sad about how people are reacting to the love story of Twilight.

It’s not the movie really. It’s the books. And yes they are totally watered down and pretty cheesy and in the end nothing but thinly-disguised romance novels. I should know, I spent all of MY teens reading, no devouring, one romance novel after another.

The thing is that these books/movies are as always aimed at the young, or the young at heart. I mean anyone who is naïve enough to believe in movie love, in Romeo and Juliet, in people dying for love or because of love.

That’s what makes it sad. You look at this girl who tattooed this quote from the novel on her back. It’s something that Edward said to Bella. The most romantic notion is that a man would love you so much that without you the world would stop existing for him. I mean, that’s so cheesy and cliché that it is the archetype of love…it’s what every human being hungers for with every ounce of our cheesy, needy, greedy souls.

Why be ashamed to admit that?

And it’s not just teens. And it’s not just women. It’s something everyone wants and needs. It’s part of the human condition, to long for an end to our solitude, loneliness, isolation….to connect so strongly and dramatically with another human being.

The Twilight Moms make me the saddest. There but for the grace of God, go I, as they say. I don’t have any children, so I ain’t no mom…but I ain’t no teen either, so I’m more of an intruder obsessing over something that was never aimed at me in the first place. So I relate. And I understand them. But I don’t think it’s so cool.

Here’s why. Out of all the books, I related the most to New Moon. But why? In short, I’ve been there done that. New Moon brings back a lot of painful and unhealed memories for me. And with it, a sad nostalgia for that pain and the disillusionment it brought to my youth. When I thought love would be one thing, and in the end, here I am realizing it’s something completely different. It was a hard lesson to learn.

Yes I’m in love now. Yes I’m in love with my best friend. Yes he loves me as much as Edward loves Bella. Yes, we’re building a life and a future together.

And yes, this is not enough. I want more. And I’ll torture myself and him and so would you.

Because that’s love. That’s the reality of love.

And the tragedy of the fantasy. Girls like me will always be a little unhappy, a little unsatisfied, and a little dumb enough to look at something great, and long for what we perceive to be missing.

So we get meaningless tattoos, and build meaningless fantasies around meaningless nothings.

I’m the guiltiest of all.

2009-11-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

Not bad for a Monday...

2009-11-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a decent day so far...not bad for a Monday...

It's about to suck it hard though...I'm going to the dentist today. Yes Yes I KNOW it's just a cleaning...but those are the gateway to hell for me. That's when they tell me of all the new things that have gone wrong and that no matter how much I floss and brush and clean...I have yet another problem that needs drilling and poking and digging and prodding...ugh.

maybe I really should lay off the candy?

what a tormented life I lead...

Apparently this is how pumpkin pie is made :D

2009-11-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

2009-11-10T13:30:00.000-08:00